12.16.2008 -- Why, Ken? Why?

Today is a difficult day for us. I returned from taking Lucy to pre-school and walked into the kitchen. I spied something on the counter and was trying to figure out what it was...after all, I had left the counter clean last night, hadn't I? So what was that? A wadded-up candy wrapper? Something Zoe got that Brian picked up after?

Then I realized what it could be and glanced at the fish bowl. One fish, not two fish. Baby Fish, not Ken fish.

Ken was sent to the endless Goldfish pond in the sky this morning by way of spatula. It made me very sad to take him off the counter that way but I'm not tough enough to do it more personally, I guess.

I wish I knew why, Ken. Was it the toddlers tapping incessantly on the glass? The lack of privacy? Was it the holidays?

I hate to say this, but I don't think Baby Fish reads my blog, and I don't think anyone who does read my blog would be so insensitive as to tell Baby Fish what I'm about to write: Ken was my favorite. I loved his long fins and coloring. I loved the way he snapped up the pellets of food I dropped in the water. I will (honestly) miss him (or her).

12.15.2008 -- Love and Hate (very inconsequential post)

Had no idea of the date today. That's what happens when you hole up in the house in defense of seasonal germ attack.

The other day, I posted my status on Facebook as: "thinks Facebook is great. Seriously." A friend replied, "Are you breaking up with Facebook?" I know. He's quite a character. The reason I think Facebook is great? It reconnected me with Fatou N'Diaye!!

In catching up with other friends, I often double up. Some friends have a major Facebook presence and also rockin' blogs. This gives me the option of letting them know I stalk them by leaving a note of Facebook or on their blog (unless they're like me and don't allow comments). Anyway, this phenomenon is how I came up with this subject...

I have a love hate relationship with Facebook. I love that it has connected me with so many WONDERFUL friends that I've shamefully lost contact with (but never in my heart). I hate the way I sometimes feel completotally overwhelmed by the whole idea of it. (Yes, I may need to check into treatment for anxiety problems.) Like recently, where so many people that I care about made comments about Gabe... I haven't replied to a single one. It's overwhelming, okay? I know I should just suck it up and jump in. Maybe I will today.

Today, I am winning the war against Disney/Pixar. I have spent about 4 hours reading to Lucy.

Take that, animated Tinkerbell!!!

As I type, Lucy is cleaning the floor and Gabe is luxuriating in his vibrating bouncy thing.

12.11.2008 -- My Husband's Date

Normally, I would sort of frown upon the idea of Brian taking someone else on a date. But this girl....well. Who could blame him?

This photo may become one of my favorites of all time... You know those family photos that just etch themselves in your memory? They end up representing whole periods of family life. My sister just put up a magnet board full of them. I can describe a dozen of them for you, no sweat...

There's one where my brother, Mike, and I are standing in front of our house--he's holding something he made of Legos, I'm holding our cat, Pepper, as a kitten. I'm missing teeth, and have short hair. Mike is wearing plastic 80's glasses. Yes, I think maybe this picture of Brian and Lucy is one of those. Look how Lucy's holding his fingers.

News: Gabe has gained 18 ounces since birth and has grown an inch. Maybe he'll be tall like his daddy. :)

12.03.2008 -- Lucy's Shunt Failure

Nine days ago, Lucy got what we thought might be a stomach flu. It had been going around, we knew--and it didn't seem to be too bad. She was throwing up some (mostly on an empty stomach), but still had something of an appetite. She was tired, but only some of the time, and said she had a headache and other aches, but again, only some of the time. On top of this, we had just been in a week and a half before for Lucy's yearly check-up. With a new CT scan showing her ventricles to be nearly ideal, her neurosurgeon had proclaimed her brain to be "perfect."

Because she was still throwing up and complaining of pain, we took Lucy to the doctor on Thursday--were told that it was a virus, and that she would be over it soon. By Thursday (Thanksgiving) night, I called the neurosurgeon on call at Primary Children Medical center to get (his) opinion. Because Lucy still had an appetite and because her tiredness and pain wasn't constant, he told me (us) that a shunt problem was not likely.

Brian took Lucy in to see the doctor again on Friday (Gabe's birthday). Again, we were told that it wasn't a shunt problem. Lucy was still up and down. At times, she seemed to be feeling fine. Saturday, Brian brought Lucy to the hospital to meet Gabe for the first time. She was feeling pretty good to start, but wanted to lie down and sleep after a while. That night, after popsicles and a tubby, she was in dress-ups and singing for her daddy and Grandma P.

Sunday, Gabe and I came home from the hospital and Lucy had less and less interest in any drink or food. She basically just wanted to lie down and rest. Brian called the neurosurgeon on call and was encouraged to wait until the clinic opened on Monday (to avoid the long, long process of ER). Brian took Lucy for a walk in a stroller, came back and took her to the ER. It just seemed less and less likely that what Lucy had was a virus.

The doctor on call tried to pull fluid from Lucy's valve and couldn't get anything. This fact, combined with Lucy's evident pain and continued vomiting, tipped the scales to indicate a shunt failure. Lucy had her shunt revised on Monday afternoon by Dr. Brockmeyer. He found that the shunt had broken. I was with Lucy only for a few hours total of her hospital stay, as we felt it best to keep Gabe out of the hospital, and never was there for any of the consultation that Dr. Brockmeyer gave, but apparently he said that the shunt hadn't broken because of too much activity or hitting her head. Dr. Brockmeyer said "no," that we couldn't have prevented it--he also said that another shunt had broken a month before and that they had notified the company.

Lucy came home yesterday. She's wobbly on her feet, but in good spirits. When her friend, Natalie came over to give her balloons and a stuffed animal, Lucy asked her to stay and play. Thay played for over an hour, when Natalie's mom came over with dinner and to bring Natalie home. (Thanks for playing and thanks for dinner!!!)

The doctors told us that Lucy should be steady on her feet again by Friday--that it's probably caused by lying down so much. I will be happy see her steady again. It pains me to see her reluctant to walk and stagger on her feet. (HellO, motherhood and hormones!)

We are so happy that she's okay and that we have such good doctors for her. Hopefully when or if her shunt fails again (ack--perish the thought), we will recognize it sooner than we did this time. This has been a serious emotional rollercoaster. I know that shunt failure is part of the package when it comes to hydrocephalus, but I don't want to get used to going through this. I don't want it to become routine.

12.03.2008 -- Lucy's Shunt and Baby Gabe

Gabe

Lucy Sunday night before her revision

Lucy and Gabe Tuesday afternoon (Lucy with a brand new shunt)

11.29.2008 -- Whole New World

After a fine Thanksgiving (would've been better if Lucy had been 100%), Brian and I went to the hospital at about 8 pm to be checked in. They confirmed that my water had broken, so we settled in with hopes that I would go into active labor myself.

Within a couple of hours, things were moving--great news because I didn't want to have to have pitocin. Things went much faster than the first time, and although I wouldn't call it fun, it was 1000% worth it: our son arrived with no intervention or complications just after 5:30 am yesterday morning. He weighs 6 lbs. 6 oz. and measures 20 inches long.

These past few months, Lucy has been our little Magic 8 Ball.

"Lucy, are you going to have a brother or a sister?" To this question, I remember her giving varying answers, but some family members remember her distinctly predicting her brother, not a sister.

About a week ago, I asked Lucy what color of hair her brother would have. "Red," she said--then, "Blond, like mine." Well, guess what?







Our baby boy is a redhead today, but we're betting he'll go blond. Just like Lucy.

He is so sweet.

11.27.2008 -- In the Meantime, Part II

I'm pretty sure my water broke this morning at about 8 am. I went for a little walk later and was even more sure. Because I have already DONE the whole stuck in the hospital thing (my water broke in the hospital when I went into labor with Lucy), I've been trying something different: keeping cool and collected at home. This is easier than it sounds. See, while I have been having some contractions, I am in no pain at all:ie, not in active labor. This is night and day different than laboring for Lucy except for one thing: With Lucy, all of my active labor happened at night. Of course, I have no idea if I'm actually progressing towards birth, but as long a things are this mellow, I'm hanging out here at home.

We took Lucy into KidsCare this morning to rule out strep throat and meningitis. Poor girl is still sick. After the okay from the pediatrician to go home, Brian had the fab idea of getting movies to veg out today. We've already watched (and fallen asleep to) The Princess Bride.

Dinner for today is at 4 pm at Grandma Judy's. Who knows what will happen there? I'm going to let Brian make the call, as it's his side of the family who might get Lucy's bug if we attend.

Right now, it's just after 2 in the afternoon. I woke up this morning at about 3 am with labor pains. I was ecstatic. I told no one. I went back to sleep on and off at about 6 after doing some housekeeping and drinking OJ to do a kick count. Kick count: fine. This early morning business was actually convenient, as Lucy ended up in our bed because she's been hurting. I ended up lying in bed, rubbing her belly, back, hip, or legs as she instructed me. It was good because it gave me something to do besides focus on contractions--although I admit I've been worried about Lucy. I hate to see her sick. Thought we were out of the woods when she made it 27 hours with no vomiting, then she lost it on our bed after the outing to the doctor and the Movie Rental place.

Sigh.

She and Brian are still asleep.

11.25.2008 -- In the Meantime...

Best. mattress. ever.

Argh.

Is there anything harder to wait out than the birth of a baby? This is why there are so many scheduled inductions and c-sections and the like. It's killer. I know that I haven't even made it to the due date. I shouldn't complain. With no complications and no real discomfort, even--I'm just being an impatient ninny. It doesn't help things that I really thought that he would come early, somehow--that I've been thinking for weeks, "any day now, baby boy..."

All of this waiting has given me a lot of time to think and theorize. Here are some of my (mostly baseless) ideas about childbirth:

(Note: I have my own preferences (avoid c-sections and interventions unless necessary), but this does not mean that I think people with other preferences are not completely justified in their own.)

1) In addition to (or maybe previous to) the physical changes that happen before a baby comes (without help), I sort of think that there has to be a sea-change in the mother, too. Maybe some women are already in-line with this mental/emotional state and so they don't notice any change... I guess I've heard a lot of stories where women either decided that they'd had enough of the discomforts of pregnancy, enough of the waiting...and this decision--being fed up--is the catalyst for active labor in one way or the other. The other, even more unfounded part of my theory is that the mother lets go of the situation enough to allow labor to start. In my mind, they amount to the same thing... For some women, maybe it's fear that keeps them from going into labor, others may have control issues. To me, it makes sense, but I'm going to go ahead and point out again that I was the first one to say that my theories have no real basis of which I'm aware.

2) With all that focus on the mother, you may think that I have ideas of the child not having much to do with when he or she is born. Well, I happen to think that he or she does have something to do with it. For instance, I have tried to talk baby boy out of my womb a good dozen times, at least. These one-sided conversations usually go something like this:

Me: You know, you can come out any time you want... I understand if you don't want to, but there is a lot out here that I think you'd like. I could show you the mountains, and your dog... You can watch the fish in their bowl... You'll like it when your daddy holds you. I'll keep you nice and warm and rub your back for you...

Baby boy: No response.

Maybe I should read "Getting to Yes" before I try it again with him. I'm sure my technique has a hundred different flaws.

Impatience isn't always my primary feeling about all of this waiting. I've had some success with a calmer approach. Some days, I'm pretty good at "enjoying where we are." When I spend more time focusing on projects that either need to be done or projects that I just randomly adopt, it's a lot easier. Lots gets accomplished that way, it turns out.

Some pretty major projects have been completed to kill the time. To name a few: organizing the basement storage areas, finishing a quilt, painting a bank of doors that has gone unfinished for about 15 months, mulching our yard, setting up a compost area in the yard, refining baby boy's room (relatively speaking), purging of lots of things I don't love or need, cleaning and organizing the garage, lots of housekeeping, acquisition of long-sought pieces of furniture...

My next appointment with the doctor is tomorrow morning. Today? I might get a little more progress on one of my projects. Lucy has the stomach flu, so we have a little more puke and sleep in the house than we're used to. It's hard to see her sick. On the other hand, it's a luxury to get to hold her so much and to feel no pressure to keep her awake during the day.

Lucy and I picked out a little dance leotard/tutu ensemble a few weeks ago at a local shop...a complete impulse buy. Lucy has LOVED the outfit and wears it with an appropriately disproportionate frequency, which is to say not every day, but nearly. ...She puts on the outfit and asks me to put on ballerina music for her. Her stage is the area between our fireplace and the back windows. This allows her to admire her own exquisiteness.

A week ago, Lucy was pretty insistent in asking to wear her dance outfit. I kept telling her that she might get to wear it later (but not now). I just didn't want to deal with the dressing and undressing, as I had projects to get completed... Anyway. While I was doing dishes, Lucy gathered up three of the nearest stools and made herself a nice little tower so she could reach her dance outfit (hanging above the laundry sink).



I only became aware of this when I heard a thump and Lucy whimpered. I don't know how far she fell, but she wasn't hurt. Check the joy and pride on her face in this picture of her holding her prize. I love this girl. (She likes to stick out her bum in pictures.)

11.13.2008 -- Tuesday Photos

Lucy would not smile for me when I took her outside to take pictures in these leaves. However...

When she got inside and sat with her Aunt Monica... she was all smiles.


Finished my first quilt ever Tuesday night! Technically, I'm not sure if I can take credit for it, as I only pieced it and finished the edge. My friend Cris did the quilting for me on her fancy-schmancy quilter. I'm very happy with it. Lucy is pretty sure Baby Boy will like it, too.

11.10.2008 -- Waiting

Brian and Lucy

Lucy decided at the last minute to be Cinderella instead of a bear. This was taken at her pre-school Halloween day.

E-mail me if you are dying for details about lying awake at all hours wondering if we will meet Baby Boy sooner or later, or if you're interested in the nitty gritty of round ligament discomfort or if you want to know all about my homebound wanderlust.

***

This weekend, while Brian was riding his bike in Moab with friends, Lucy and I got to go see two of her cousins playing volleyball in the state competition. My photography leaves a lot to be desired, but here are photos of them playing:

a Mariah Katoa kill about to happen

Mariah (hamming it up for the camera)

Nicole Katoa getting ready to slam it down


Nicole with a birthday ribbon on her head (cropped from a group photo)

Yes, they're amazing athletes--and fantastic in so many other ways, too. I love my nieces and nephews!

11.07.2008 -- Pre-School Politics

Me: Lucy you're so smart. You know everything, don't you?
Lucy: Actually, Isabella knows everything, and they say I'm tiny. Mom, am I big?
Me: Yes, you're big. Does it hurt your feelings when they say that?
Lucy: Yes. But I tell them "No." Can I tell them "No," Mom?
Me: Yes. You could also tell them, "Please don't say that, it hurts my feelings."
Lucy: But I can't say that--only moms.

10.27.2008 -- Need to check the label?

Milk and egg free? Yup!

This last weekend, I was again reminded how big of a pain it is for people dealing with food allergies to figure out if something is edible or should be avoided. I just wanted to post a link again to zeer.com.

Zeer is free.

You can look up many/most foods easily and find out ingredients as well as nutritional info--everything that is on your standard label.

Click here!

10.19.2008 -- Lucyisms

An idea I got from Ashley:

Things that Lucy says her own way that I love. I, like Ashley, don't correct her because I know she'll be flawless in her language all too soon. It's a little hard to come up with these...Lucy seems to have a talent for talking. But what do I know, being just her mom?

In this picture (taken today), Lucy is wearing her "girl" earrings. Lucy also has a "girl" necklace that matches. She wears her "girls" all the time.

Me: "Lucy, can you help me pick up the toys?"
Lucy: "I mam!" (I am!)

Lucy calls her throat her "throwup." As in, "I swallowed my broccoli and it's going down my throwup to my tummy."

Lucy is very good at enunciating the word, "actually." She likes to use it for emphasis in lots of creative ways. Once in a while, she'll use it in a way that's conventional.

"Young." Not sure what this means to Lucy. She often uses this in contexts that are not clear to me. Me: "How was school, Lucy?" Lucy: "Um, it's kind of young, so..."

It cracks me up when Lucy says "seriously." She uses it perfectly. For example, "Mom, we need to go to the park..... seriously."

"Matoes." For some reason, this is only a two syllable word to Lucy. These are frequently discussed, as we have several "mato" plants on our deck which she can see from her window. Similarly, bananas are "nanas."

"Feathering." Lucy's word for dusting with a feather duster.

"Scrubber." Lucy's word for our push and pull diamond shaped hoe.

"Leggies." Leggings.


That's it for now, I guess. I'll add more as they come up.

10.18.2008 -- Recycle Anything? Really?

While I was waiting to get the oil changed and tires rotated for our station wagon, I picked up a "Real Simple" magazine and found an article that I have been waiting for for a long time:

HOW TO RECYCLE ANYTHING

How cool is that?

Saturday fun for me: cleaning house. Hey, I never said that it's the only thing I like to do. But there is an enormous level of peace and satisfaction that comes from bringing all into shiny order. It makes me feel sane.

I cannot believe that we will soon have another body in the house. It's so exciting and a premise so loaded with hope that it's a little scary. A lot of times, babies die. I know that chances are very, very good that this little one will make it fine. There's just that little part of me that wants to take nothing for granted... Nevertheless: I have the crib set completed. I only did the bumper pads and the dust ruffle. My sweet mother-in-law did two sheets for me.

Monica has been coming to help me each Tuesday and she is responsible not only for the completion of the crib set (catalyst) but for lots of other projects that I'd been putting off. (See Blog on a Bog, where I said I was overwhelmed.) Yay for her (and for me).

This whole Tuesday help day thing was all her idea, but I had ideas that the goodness might not all end up in my lap. For me, at least, when I get a chance to help someone out at their place, it often carries over into my (our) place--home. Well, Monica caught the nesting fever and did some major work at her house this week. So much of the time, completing these projects
(that make such a difference) is only a matter of starting and keeping at it, even when it feels sort of hopeless.

Brian's day: Up early to ride his mountain bike with buddies, lunch date with Lucy, plant shopping with Lucy, planting trees, shoveling gravel, picking up Lucy from Aunt Rebecca's house, and a late movie with friends while I finish (finish!!!) my lesson for tomorrow. He's going to sleep well....like some other people I know:

This is how Lucy came home from Aunt Rebecca's: asleep with papertowel curls going for tomorrow. Gotta love that sister-in-law.

10.09.2008 -- Little Social Climber

For the past few nights, Brian has been planting. The yard is coming along, thanks to him.

By far, the coolest plant he's come home with is something called a pinus strobus 'nana.' What I thought he was going to get was maybe a globe blue spruce, which looks great, but is a supremely prickly beast. This plant though--or the two of them that he brought home--these pinus strobus 'nanas' are the chinchilla of the pine world. Lovely. Anyone who reads this is hereby invited over for a feel.

Neither of these photos are mine, but...
see the similarities?

These nights in the yard have been great for me. Not only is there a welcome bite to the air, but progress is made toward completion of the yard, and when Brian gets home from work, Lucy attaches herself to his hip--leaving me some free time. She's always so happy to see her daddy when he gets home. Not that I have been keeping her at home veiled and sequestered, but Lucy has been craving the company of others more than ever lately. It's getting rare that Lucy is content to be at home alone with me.

One way Lucy gets in time with other kids is her twice-weekly preschool (which she loves). This involves four hours of the week. The rest of the time, Lucy asks to see if her friend DJ can play, or Natalie, or one of her cousins, or one of a dozen other kids she routinely asks about. Because I'm relatively tired a lot of the time, I mostly go for easy solutions. Therefore, the kids that live closest are the kids she sees most. Fortunately, we seem to be surrounded by good kids.

We have a little game: Lucy asks what a certain person is doing and I, instead of answering, "I don't know" every time, say what I think they might be doing. For example. If Lucy asks what Ben is doing, I might suggest that Ben may be playing with cousins, or helping his mom, or brushing his teeth. My dirty little secret: I am guilty of playing this game with an agenda: none of Lucy's friends or family ever watches TV or eats candy or does anything extra exciting (when it's not in the cards for us). In this game, everyone loves broccoli, goes to sleep early, and is very helpful.

So last night, after playing with friends, as Brian planted some shrubs along the footings of our house, Lucy discovered that our neighbor's retaining wall is very climbable. It didn't take long before she was sessioning the three-tiered stacked boulder wall. The crux of the route she had going up the wall was up at the top, and not too difficult. It was enough to get me up to spot her the first 5 or 6 times, and mild enough that I felt okay just watching her the rest of the times she wanted to climb it. I was happy because, once at the top, she didn't have to downclimb at all.

Each and every time she reached the top of her route, Lucy did a little celebration dance on our neighbor's driveway. She was having so much fun. Watching Lucy climb is fun for me too-- makes me happy. At least if I can't really do it right now, she can.

When I told Lucy that it was time to go inside to change into her pyjamas, she wasn't thrilled. However, when she learned that she could come back outside, she went without a fight. While we were inside, because the sun was setting fast, I pointed out one of her flashlights. I thought maybe she'd like to play with it outside. She thought that was a good idea, apparently, because she grabbed it on the way out (after she dressed in her purple footed sleeper and some comfy slip-on shoes). Once outside, Lucy wasted no time: She gave the flashlight to Brian for safekeeping while she again climbed the wall over and over.

Of course, the light gradually faded as the sun set and eventually was noticeably lacking. I figured that it would be an easy and natural end to the Climbing of the Wall, but I was surprised. Lucy asked Brian for her flashlight, turned it on and handed it to me. She explained how I was to hold the light so she could keep climbing. "See?" she told me, beaming, "Now it's not dark!" I'm pretty sure that at that point, I had a big grin on my face, too.

As Lucy climbed over the top of the wall again, I turned to Brian and said, "She may look like you, but she loves climbing like me!"

A reminder for grandparents--if you see a picture that you
want to see bigger, just click on the picture!
xoxo

10.04.2008 -- Cheerful Light

09.26.2008 -- Toddler's Lament...

Lucy: Ah! Ow! Mom, I got bit!
Me: Oooo. By who(m)?
Lucy: By me!




Because I have had more than one request to see pictures of the baby's incubator, I am posting these. This is at 31 weeks without sucking in my gut.



On a side note, we got window coverings up! No more fishbowl effect at night! Huzaah!

09.24.2008 -- Stupid Raffi

A woman should not have to consider whether or not she will get terribly emotional when she puts on music for her 3-year-old.

Some of Raffi's songs are completely harmless. Others though, they get stuck in your head--or worse. You could find yourself struggling to answer your little one (when she asks whether or not her Cinderella crown will break if she wears it as a belt) without choking up.

Rude, Raffi.

Beware Blue White Planet if you're feeling especially susceptible.

Lucy and friend this morning

Here's a challenge for all you jokers who think you have iron-clad tear ducts: gather up some of your favorite pictures (especially of the children in your life and of places you love), put together a slideshow and use Blue White Planet as the soundtrack.

09.21.08 -- Gold Fish Mortality and Planes

Lucy playing with one of her favorite friends yesterday

Tonight, after a collective family birthday party where I ate too many homemade orange rolls and too much homemade ice cream (strawberry), I tried to feed Lucy's fish and Baby Fish spit the food back at me. This led me to question the health of this poor little fish and I realized that I hadn't changed their water for way too long--probably 2 weeks.

If Baby Fish dies, it is my fault.

In my defense, I did not waste time. I poured Ken and Baby Fish into a clean salad bowl with clean water and set to rinsing everything from their bowl. They're back now.

I tried to feed them again, but they didn't even notice. The fish seem to get a little stupid after I dump them back into their newly-cleaned, oxygenated bowl. The tiny bubbles cling to everything and the fish are oblivious.

Lucy is making noise in her sleep. She'll probably sleep through it--most of the time, she does... Although she's been having some hard nights lately. At least mornings are easy. The few exceptions are odd. The latest:

7:30 ish, Lucy wakes in her bed, screaming.

Lucy toddles to our room and, sobbing, tears rolling down her cheeks, crawls into bed with me.

Me: What's the matter, Lucy?
Lucy: I want to go on a plane. (more sobbing, more tears)

We ended up calling Daddy so he could explain why a plane was not on the agenda for the day.

Lucy loves planes. I often have to explain to her why we can't just get on a plane any day we feel like it.

Lucy is now sleeping on my lap and I need to get her into bed.

09.16.2008 -- You Can Never Go Home Again

bellybutton update

...That is, unless you've just left a few days ago and no one has taken your place.

Lucy and I spent a long weekend with all of her maternal cousins. Is this the right terminology? Anyway, I practiced my soccer-mom skillz with my sister's boys. I dig it. This is probably linked somehow to my being child number five.

Now that we're back home, I appreciate my husband and my own life more--just because they're mine.

So, what is the maximum amount of time that a person can stay away from home before it changes enough to really notice? We've been out of our old house since May of 2007. I think it changed almost right after we moved. Maybe intent has more to do with it than anything. If a person is gone for months and months with the intention to come back and continue things the way they were before, it can work, I think. But if you leave and mean to make a new home elsewhere -- well, then. Maybe it's true that you can never go home again even if chance turns things around.

When I was growing up (no smart remarks, please), my parents made it a priority to spend a few summer weeks in New Hampshire at a family cabin. I loved it--to this day, that cabin is on my short list for favorite places in the world. More often than not, I also got to spend more time with some of my favorite family members as sort-of a fourth child in their family. This time on the other side of the U.S. gave me a lot of opportunities to experience things that I wouldn't have otherwise.

There was a small price to be paid for those summers away: when I got home and my close group of girlfriends talked about playing softball or other summer activities, I was clueless; but this gap usually sealed up after a few weeks at home. I've never regretted spending summers away. If there's a similar opportunity for Lucy (and any of our other kid(s)?), I'll work to make it happen, I think. Of course, Lucy has two parents and this is not something I've discussed with Brian, so who knows?

I have some good friends in this neighborhood here who are trying to sell their homes/move. I feel for them. It's tough juggling current relationships with efforts and hopes to make a home someplace else. (Not to mention the stress or just the scheduling of getting all the moving stuff done--readying a house to put on the market, finding a new house, continuing a semblance of normality...)

From what I remember, it was nice when people were supportive of our move. Although the gesture that made me smile most (and still does) was when one of our old (previous-not aged) neighbors showed up at our door and asked if he could borrow a saw so he could "get rid of something in our yard for us."

Shameless flattery gets me every time.

Leaving our old neighborhood was hard. I knew that I would get to know people in our new neighborhood and that I would get just as attached to them as people I already knew and loved, still, it was hard.

09.11.2008 -- Blog on a Bog

Lucy talking to Aunt Monica after her first day at pre-school.

I think I'm overwhelmed. This sometimes happens and it appears that my normal reaction to this feeling is to slow every non-essential function to a near halt. There are lots of things I want to get done--lots and lots. But "things" are slow by necessity--just because I can't do everything myself and even the things I can do myself are limited by you-name-it. Even describing this is a little bit painful to my psyche. Just a little. (Don't worry.)

So, yeah. I can't figure out where my limitless supply of energy went. (I miss you, LSE, wherever you are.)

My schedule for the rest of the month is chock-full. Not every day... but of the 19 remaining days left in September, I have just a handful left that are not committed in a serious way. This will be a clever way to pass through some of the final(ish) weeks of pregnancy. Most of me is really looking forward to all the activity/excitement. Part of me wants to lay down on the couch. :)

I love Lucy more than can be conveyed by words, I love spending time with her. AND I miss spending time with my husband when I am not really tired or just mentally trying to recover from a long day with a challenging 3 year-old. AND I realize that some things in life are just mutually exclusive.

09.05.08 -- Amn't I Blessed?

unintentional funny face :)

Am I not?

Today was great. (Big sigh.) The picture of me above was taken at the beginning of my hike! This trail is one of my favorite places in the world. Can I show you why?




All that within a couple of minutes from home! It was so nice to get outside today with Zoe--for more than 2 hours! Hallelujah--I am not as out of shape as I feared. I would've taken Lucy, but it gets a little tedious for her. Fortunately, we also live minutes away from Lucy's fabulous Grammy Judy and her Aunt Nan. They love her, and she loves them, and sometimes it works out so they hang out together and let me do something else.

That is the beginning of the story of my first real hike in a long time. For posterity's sake, I will omit the middle and the end except to say that:

I love our dog.
I love September.
I love hiking with our dog in September.
I love being a mom.
...and this is the gushiest I'm getting:
I love my husband.


We have a wall under construction right now. You know what they say about simple minds...well, I'm fascinated watching these go up. Lucy liked it, too.



Now what happened to my explanation for the title of this post? My brother, Mike, and I used to say "I amn't" instead of "I'm not." I sort of get a kick out of the way we stuck together and kept at it, even when people told us that "amn't" wasn't a word. Eventually, of course, we relented and accepted everyone else's standards.

Maybe one day, it will be an acceptable contraction.

08.27.08 -- Morality, Individuality and an Infinite Universe

When I was growing up, I had lots of theories. One was that all people were good, and that when they were doing things that society called bad, it was because they were either 1) misunderstood, 2) mentally or psychologically compromised, or 3) dealing with insurmountable challenges that sort of justified their wrongdoing. Therefore, these people couldn't really be held accountable for their acts. In college, I learned that my theory has a fancy name: moral ambiguity.

I believe differently now.

I now believe that some people do not mean well, that they do not have good intentions, that they intend to lie a little, cheat a little--or lie a lot and cheat a lot--take advantage of well-meaning innocents... to get what they want. They may not be psychologically sound, and they may have terrible histories, but this does not relieve them of culpability. Every person is given a life of choices.

On the radio the other day, I listened to a prize-winning physicist explain that, according to his findings, we are all products of our atomic make-up. What's more, he said, is that not only do we have nothing to do with the people we are/become and the choices we make, but there are infinite worlds in the universe EXACTLY like ours with EXACTLY the same things/people/thoughts/chips in the fingernail polish that occur in our world. According to him, there are countless dopplegangers of you in the universe--doing exactly what you're doing, thinking exactly what you're thinking, with precisely the same history as yours.

Theories are sometimes ridiculous. His theories are ridiculous to me, anyway. I can wrap my mind around them to see how he arrives at these conclusions, but they are ridiculous.

08.25.08 -- Short and Tall

08.22.08 -- The Day After

Lucy's birthday was yesterday. Thanks to a lot of help, both her friend party and the family party went really well. Today, I am pretty much wiped out. Not so for Lucy. Here's Lucy this morning: the very picture of enthusiasm. (I asked her to demonstrate her new chair and table for me.)





Thanks to my wonderful niece, Eliza, for her invaluable help wrangling toddlers...And a huge quadruple thank you to Crystal, who not only brought her son, Lucy's best boy friend, Ben--but helped with crowd control AND brought her camera (more importantly, her skillz). I didn't ask her to, but she took all of these great pictures and made the best CD for us. Honestly, I would've paid her to do this. I treasure these!!!

After watching the slideshow, I'm a little disappointed--you definitely get the idea, but you miss the clarity of the of Crystal's photographs. As for the music, I just pulled something happy-sounding from our iTunes collection. There's no correlation to the party.

See what I mean? Thanks, Crystal!



Cream cheese lemon cake...

I made-up a new cake and a new chicken marinade for the family party, and was happy with both. The cake was inspired by the frosting (recipe from AllRecipes.com). How was it? De-lush-us (if you're into a moist, slightly dense cake with a fresh lemon zing to it). Lemme know if you want more info.

The marinade, I made up after consulting some recipes (on AllRecipes.com), deciding to use what I had instead of making another trip to the store. A lot of people asked how I did the chicken so here it is:

for 6 cups of marinade (yes, a ton):

3 cups of lemon juice, worcestershire sauce and white wine vinegar
3 cups of olive oil and canola oil
3 normal sized packets Good Seasons Italian dressing mix (dry)

After using up all the lemon juice (from concentrate) that I had -- about 1/3 cup, I emptied my bottle of W. sauce (about 1 1/2 cups), then topped it off with the white wine vinegar. Then I added all of my olive oil, there was about a cup left; the other 2 cups were canola oil. I mixed all this with the 3 packets of italian dressing mix (you guessed it), all I had, marinated overnight and it was really, really good grilled.