Heaven help us. It is stunning how wide a variety of approaches there are to Covid19.
-It's a hoax. There is no "deadly" virus. This is a conspiracy to bring naive people into submission and to gain control. Masks are part of this manipulation and actually harm people.
-Coronavirus is real, sure, but it's no big deal. It's basically a cold. I am not going to stop living my life to avoid getting a cold. If I die, I die.
-Okay, so I don't want coronavirus. It's really rough on some people. I'll wear a mask at the store, and I will stay away from sick people, but I am still going to see my friends and family because my mental health is just as important as avoiding this virus that will probably just be an inconvenience. If I die, I die.
-Life goes on, but very differently. I am socializing via zoom and facetime to avoid spreading covid. I'm avoiding travel and groups larger than 5 or 10 in my pod. We need to act together to keep numbers down so hospitals aren't overwhelmed and vulnerable parts of our population don't die.
-I stay inside. Masks are important, but not as good as isolation. If we all stayed inside for a few weeks, this thing would actually get under control. The numbers are soaring, this disease is spread by people who are asymptomatic more than half of the time. Stay inside, stay safe.
And, of course, there will be a mix. Everyone has their own comfort level with exposure and isolation. What's easy to forget is that people come to these points of view with a lifetime of experience. Their approach isn't likely to change just because they read an article or because a friend tells them they should do something differently.
I am a worrier. I feel a responsibility to other humans to try to protect them as much as I protect myself.
You might say that I worry too much, that I overthink things and that it's not that big of a deal, and you'd probably be right, but that won't change my values or my point-of-view.
I'm also an extrovert. I can be exhausted and depressed, but if you put me in a group of people, chances are very good that I will emerge from that social event energized and happy. (To make things more interesting, consider that I am an expert at finding reasons not to leave my house, even when there isn't a pandemic.)
Finally, there are six people in my family, counting myself. This means that there are 6 different points of view coming from 6 different brains and bodies. Some of these I have control over, some I don't. I can tell someone in my family to wear a mask, but they'll mostly do as they please.
What feels best to me these days is manage my air. I feel comfortable wearing a mask all the time unless I'm only with the people I live with. I'm also comfortable going maskless outside or in an area with good ventilation. What makes sense to me is to imagine someone smoking. If I'm smoking a cigarette, does the ventilation allow the smoke to dissipate without bothering others and vice versa? If not, I want to wear a mask.
I do take risks. My children go to practices and don't always wear masks there. I've recently allowed them to hang out with friends without masks. These are friends they spend hours with daily in the gym, and I still ask them to wear masks most of the time, but sometimes I get tired of being vigilant--tired of being the mask nazi. I am functioning a little out of my comfort zone in order to allow some socialization for my kids within a pod, but it's not all or nothing.
There is a meme that was going around toward the start of the pandemic that said something like "Check on your extrovert friends in lockdown--they are not okay." I think this was written by an extrovert in lockdown. I think it was a cry for help.
I have had a few breakdowns in the past year. One of the sources of my distress has been my social life and the social life of my family. I know a lot of people who have not seemed to limit much, if anything, to avoid coronavirus--people I want to spend time with--people who matter to me and my family. When one party is living unrestricted and another party (me) is trying not to socialize unless it's with masks or outside, there's a disconnect.
It doesn't mean someone is wrong. (Time will tell.)
But there's a disconnect.
If my kid is invited to hang out and I say no, that means my kid is on the outside. Take that situation and multiply it by 50 and it has pretty big implications. When you keep saying no, people stop asking. It is painful to feel like I am killing my kids' friendships. It is painful to feel like I am killing my own friendships. It is painful to be invited to a party or dinner and to either go and feel like I am being reckless or to decline and put another brick in the wall between me and them.
It doesn't help to say I am declining because of coronavirus. Maybe I'm imagining things, but I can see it coming off as judgmental--Oh, you think we're going to give you Covid? Oh, you won't come hang out because you're better than us, following the rules? Hypocritical--I saw you riding in a car with someone and you didn't have a mask on--You didn't mind traveling and being exposed when you wanted to go out of town. Or extreme--You have really taken this too far. You're a little crazy. You do realize it's not the end of the world...
I am afraid I am burning bridges. I don't mean that in the way you would say "I'm afraid we're out of toast. Would you like an english muffin?" I am afraid that my relationships are being wrecked by the incredibly hard choices (for me they're hard) that present themselves almost daily. I am actually afraid that this will have a lasting negative impact on me and my family.
This is a NO WIN situation. Not being invited isn't fun. Being invited and declining isn't fun. Being invited and going without a mask doesn't feel right for me. Being invited and going--possibly being the only one to wear a mask feels strange but might be the best option for me. But it's hard to be different. It's not always easy to wear a mask when others don't. It feels in-your-face.
I want to spend time with friends and I want to do what I think is best. I know that my reasons and experience aren't going to be the same as other people's. I know that I could catch Covid and transmit it to someone without feeling the slightest bit ill. That's how it was with my sister-in-law.
If I (or my family) were to spread this illness and someone were to get really sick. I don't know if I would be able to forgive myself. But if I wear a mask or stay outside and stay in my pod, I would feel like I tried hard enough.
I beg you--if you don't understand why I am not joining you, or why my kids aren't joining you--please give us the benefit of the doubt. Please don't write us off. I am doing my best to give you the benefit of the doubt, too.
In a perfect world (according to me), we would have no problem talking about all of this. No feelings would be hurt, no judgement passed--only good wishes.
Also: I might be overthinking this. 😏
