What you'll find below is a shortened and edited (to make the shorter version clear, I hope) version of an address by Gladys Sitati at BYU Women's Conference in 2017. You can find the whole talk by clicking on the title. I love this talk. I only shortened it to allow people with less time to get through it faster, but I recommend reading or listening to the whole thing. She is so wise.
Resolving Conflict Using Gospel Principles
by Gladys Sitati
“As I considered the topic, I wondered if there is anyone I know who has lived a life without conflict and contention. Contention comes easily, even with those we truly love and desire the best for. It is difficult to always be on guard and to always remember who we are when those we love and are close to do things that we sincerely disagree with or things that provoke us. Let me mention a few areas from which contention between people can arise:
❁ Lack of communication leads to misunderstanding, wrong expectations, and undesirable conclusions, distrust, and suspicion
❁...Rush judgments, assumptions about others, leads to misrepresentation of other people’s intentions, to hurting other people’s feelings
❁ A competitive spirit driven by pride, fuels dislike, feelings of anger, and isolation
❁ Differing cultural values, [can] lead to distrust, suspicion, prejudice, and profiling of others
[We live in a world of differences of opinion and conflict, but] conflict and contention are not inevitable. What we do to prevent or escalate it is a choice we make. May I share with you five of the principles we have been taught that can help us to avoid conflict and contention?
1- The first principle is having faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Faith is a principle of action and power, and whenever we work toward a worthy goal, we are exercising our faith. In the course of our labors, as we exercise patience, meekness, and humility, with purity of heart, our spirituality will grow and flourish. Our actions can then transcend all human barriers, including cultural, economic, and political associations.
Elder Richard G. Scott counsels us: “Reach out to those living in adverse circumstances. Be a true friend. This kind of enduring friendship is like asphalt that fills the potholes of life and makes the journey smoother and more pleasant. … Welcome into your home others who need to be strengthened by such an experience. … Recognize the good in others, not their stains. At times a stain needs appropriate attention to be cleansed, but always build on his or her virtues.”
The Savior teaches us, “And if any man among you be strong in the Spirit, let him take with him him that is weak, that he may be edified in all meekness, that he may become strong also.”
If we do this, any prejudices and fears we may have had will melt away, as our knowledge and our love for those we live among increases.
2- The second principle that can help us avoid conflict is being worthy to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost in our lives.
In a situation of developing conflict, the Holy Ghost may help us best when we deliberately think about the problem in advance.
We could therefore write down several possible actions to take that could help us avoid the contention. After pondering and deciding on the best action to take, we could humbly go to Heavenly Father in prayer to ask for his approval. He will send the Holy Ghost to provide a confirming witness and to guide us on actual things to do. To have the full benefit of that witness and guidance, we need to trust the Lord and his timing and be ready to do all that we can.
3- The third principle that can help us is prayer.
Christ taught: “…Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”
A story told by President Howard W. Hunter when he was a bishop illustrates the workings of this principle. A member of his ward came to him to tell him there was a man in the congregation he did not like. President Hunter told the brother to go home and pray for this man morning and evening and then report back after two weeks. When the brother came back, he said that he had learned that the man had problems and needed help. He was going to help the man.
Such experiences give us the hope to pray for those we have bad feelings against or those who have done wrong against us. Who knows? They probably need our help.
4- The fourth principle I wish to talk about is forgiveness.
Suppose we have done our very best to live peacefully with our neighbors, but somehow conflicts arise. What shall we do? [Forgive him] “seventy times seven.” Following this pattern will enable us to resolve all disputes, find peace, and make many friends.
On this subject of forgiveness, President Gordon B. Hinckley taught: “We see the need for [forgiveness] in the homes of the people, where tiny molehills of misunderstanding are fanned into mountains of argument. We see it among neighbors, where insignificant differences lead to undying bitterness. We see it in business associates who quarrel and refuse to compromise and forgive when, in most instances, if there were a willingness to sit down together and speak quietly one to another, the matter could be resolved to the blessing of all. Rather, they spend their days nurturing grudges and planning retribution.”
5- The fifth principle is love.
President Thomas S. Monson taught: “We cannot truly love God if we do not love our fellow travelers on this mortal journey. …As we keep this truth in mind, loving all of God’s children will become easier.”
I have found that love is a powerful tool in our hands. We are created to love and to be loved. But the spirit of love has been overtaken by worldly aspirations, such as the desire to be seen as being better than others, greed, lust, selfishness, pride, and other ungodly habits.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks counseled us to follow after the things that make for peace as we live among other people; to practice civility when others have different opinions, to forgo contention and practice respect, and to be kind to those who choose not to keep the commandments of God. He emphasized that kindness is powerful.
As much as we can, we should keep in touch with those we disagree with, especially family members. We let them know we love them by inviting them to family activities and finding good things to say about them. Given time, the Lord may soften their hearts.
When we have a troubled relationship, we need to ask ourselves these questions: What do I honestly desire for this relationship? What would I do if I were in their shoes? What am I willing to give up to establish peace?
Let me summarize again the five principles we can apply to resolve conflict and contention in our associations:
First, faith in the Savior Jesus Christ is the beginning of a desire to trust the Lord in our circumstances, knowing that he will share our burdens and bring comfort to our souls.
Second, faith in the Lord Jesus Christ leads us to do those things that invite the companionship of the Holy Ghost, which can fill us with “hope and perfect love” toward all people and all things.
Third, “diligence unto prayer” helps us to continue to enjoy the companionship of the Holy Ghost, to be filled with love, and to overcome the temptations of the adversary that may come through provocation to conflict.
Fourth, filled with the love of God, we can not only forgive others but help to give them a vision and a better hope of what they can become.
Finally, filled with the love of God, we can transcend all barriers to peace, harmony, and unity with all people.
As I conclude my thoughts, I would urge each one of us to “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ … and a love of God and of all men” and to heed the Savior’s counsel that contention is of the devil and should be done away with.
May each one of us find love and peace wherever we are in the world that we may stand as true witnesses of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and through his atoning power be able to do all things.
This I leave with you, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."
Gladys Sitati
