This afternoon Lucy miraculously made it out of the house to go to a much anticipated birthday party. Miraculous? Let's just say that she was as tired as she's ever been minus one hard-fought hour's worth of napping.
While she was out, some friends stopped by to visit. One of the many "things" about the LDS church (Mormon church--My church), is the "Visiting Teaching." I am a "Visiting Teacher," and I am also "Visit Taught." The idea, basically, is to get together once a month to talk. We talk about everything--and church stuff too. Like this month, the suggested subject for non-secular discussion, or "message," is the special role of women.
Anyway, I was talking about how much more respect I have for moms who have lots of kids--because I only have two, and...let's just say that life is not the same. I mentioned my erstwhile goal of being more social and how it's been turning out. Namely, that it's been throwing things off. (Not that I've been out partying, or anything...)..But, I've been coming to the realization that now is not really the time in my life to be putting my energy into socialization (not, at least, for myself.)
To be the kind of mom that I want to be, my own social life is going to be on the back burner until our kids are older. And that's okay. Of course, I recognize that there's a balance that needs to be struck. But for me, I've decided to make being a mom definitely more important for a while.
It's a little sad for me. I haven't lost my love for these friends. (And let's be honest, even before I was a mom, I've struggled to keep in touch the way I've wanted.)
Yes, it's become pretty clear that, in initiating these social forays (on the internet or not), the ends of my proverbial rope start fraying...leaving me with way too many ends: Dozens of half-fast :) contacts and conversations. So, I think to myself, this is not working. And that is how I decided, for now at least, to narrow my focus.
So, with this thought, or at least in this vein, the topic turned to women that we admire. One friend, Laura, commented on one specific woman's calm demeanor (she's got lots of children), and her depth. When Laura suggested that this Mother of Lots of Children (MLC) join a group of quilters, MLC simply said that it was "not her season." Very wise, right? Simple. Deep. Impressive.
Laura said that this admirable woman (MLC) reminded her of me when she first met me. (Got that? She, MLC, her, me, she, me.) I was a little bummed. Laura said that I was like that when she first met me. I didn't want to make a big deal about it, and it really was a huge compliment to me, but I was bummed--I found myself very aware that Laura had used an anterior clause: reminded, first met. In the past. I tried not to dwell on it too much, but I kept returning to it.
What's so different about me now?
Here's the difference. When I first met Laura, I was hurting, a lot.
I wanted another child. Brian and I had been trying for a while, and I was trying to make peace with our situation.
We were also going through some heavy challenges with other significant relationships. We couldn't seem to communicate effectively in order to solve problems that kept popping up unexpectedly. Sadness, stress. Heartache, anger. Weariness, patience.
Another factor: We had just moved, so I was meeting a lot of new people--I wasn't really comfortable around any of these new acquaintances, although I liked them.
I was on my knees a lot those days.
“Trials and tribulations tend to squeeze the artificiality out of us, leaving the essence of what we really are and clarifying what we really yearn for.”
Neal A. Maxwell
These days, time for extensive prayer is a luxury. And there is an abundance of joy in every hour with little Gabe and Lucy around. Not that Lucy wasn't enough before--we just wanted another one--a sibling for her and a bigger family for us.
I know I can speak for Brian when I say that we felt and feel so lucky and blessed and relieved and happy when we learned that we were expecting. A new baby...reaches down your throat and pulls the joy out by force, no matter how tired you happen to be. (Joy lives down there by the gizzard, I'm pretty sure.)
Sure, I'm sleep deprived and my body has endured the thrashing of another pregnancy (a year ago, I was in fair shape, for me). But every time I make eye contact with Gabe or adjust him, happy little lump, in my arms, I get a shot of pure joy and amazement and gratitude. Lucy. AND Gabe!
One more kid, exponential growth in Joy (J) and Love (L). But that isn't quite right or maybe it's just not that simple....To say that it (J&L) isn't more than we had before doesn't quite cover it. But I guess it (J&L) really isn't any more than we had before. What's different is that before, we wanted another child. What's different is that we don't see a hole now where that next child could be. Maybe that's right, maybe not. Either way, there's a lot of good feeling going on in our house these days.
This year? So much less sadness, so much less stress (seriously--even with Lucy's shunt revision and the day to day of living with a normal (very determined) three-year-old). So much less heartache and anger. Weariness and patience? Well, I guess not everything is totally different. :) But truthfully, the "weariness and patience" that is a major factor in my life now is very, very different than I was experiencing a year ago.
I am probably very different to interact with these days. I don't have the time I had a year ago to think as many deep thoughts. I lack the sadness and heartache that gave my conversations that anchor. Introspection? What's that? (Nah. It's not really that bad.) My lack of sleep and familiarity makes me way more likely to blurt out half-baked thoughts in the middle of a conversation. This makes me much less impressive and deep-seeming, I'm afraid.
Oh well.
I hope my friend isn't too disappointed. Maybe she'll be able to say that I'm amazingly calm and insightful and deep someday. If not, I'll settle for genuine.
Lucy a year ago
